Lyme makes me feel as though my contact with the outside world is vanishing. I cannot bring myself to count how many weddings, birthday parties, dinners, drinks and picnics I have missed. You too?
I’ve given up my job, temporarily, but still…I love my job. I love my colleagues and now there is a big gap in what used to be my concept of self. I used to be employed. Now I am sick.
OK I know I’m hitting the sorry cart heavily today. Some days are worse than others.
My own problem is that I just don’t know how to be sad. It isn’t really a part of my disposition. My brother and I were very firmly raised in that tradition that says “act like everything is ok, and you might just believe it”, but also I think it was because my mother believed that no-one wants to be around someone miserable.
My best friend is supposed to be coming down to stay the night, I have been looking forward to seeing her so much – we have been best friends for 22 years. But I am going to have to cancel. I just can’t talk or listen – noise and light just render me irritable and sensitive. I love her, but it is too hard. I don’t know how to let her help.
So I ask, What is the point of being friends with me?
To be perfectly honest sometimes it seems easier to let friendships slip – my life is not one I particularly want to share.
I used to see performances all the time, I used to bush walk through the rain-forest behind my house several times a week, my life was busy, and I prided myself on being a great friend. But now – I can’t talk about the exciting opening night. I can’t talk about the great new project I took on at work, or the hobby I have picked up. I can’t even tell you about my exciting plans for the days ahead – I will be in bed! If the flare ups are neurological I can’t even read.
No-one wants to hear about someone sick. And most of the time that is all I feel – I feel like a list of miserable symptoms. A list of symptoms that just keep going on. Hell – I am bored with myself, who would want to be in my company?
I feel like a lousy wife, and a lazy mother.
I know my friends would reassure me, but I don’t want to be reassured. I want to be better. And I am so cranky, and when my friends try to reassure me I feel even crankier – because the truth of it all is, that this disease has made it impossible for me to be the wife and mother and friend I am supposed to be.
But there has to be a silver lining, and I know I have found it for me.
My husband is the kindest, sweetest man I have ever known. He reminds me to slow down, he feeds me, and watches over me when I sleep. He cries when I am too sick, because he loves me. His face never changes – it looks upon me with all the love in the world, and that keeps me going. His face reminds me that life is amazing. I don’t know why he still loves me, sometimes even I forget who I used to be. But to the bottom of my toes, and tips of my fingers, I am so glad he does.
I started this post feeling sorry for myself, but I do not feel that way now. Well not quite so much.
I am sure you feel awful, and I am sure you probably feel some of the things I do. But more than anything I hope you have a friend or a relative, someone who makes you feel good about yourself.
Take a deep breath, a glass of water and know you are one day closer.